When you are running a business you need a good team. You may be the captain, but your partners, employees, assistants, advisors, and vendors all play critical roles on your ship’s crew.

There is another team on board too – your inner team. I’m sure you’ve noticed that sometimes you feel like you are at the helm and sometimes… well, it feels like some other creature has taken the wheel. You probably notice it through the conversations in your head (we all have those!).

Let’s say you are invited to speak at next month’s meeting for the association that serves your ideal clients. Your internal conversation might go something like this:

“Oh my goodness, this is a fantastic opportunity to get my message out to a large number of my prospects!”

Then another voice chimes in, “But are you really ready for this? The website is pitifully out of date. And you are so bad at presentations. You should just save face and decline.”

And still another inner voice says, “Oh, just wing it – you’ll be fine!”

And there is probably a whole roster of other voices too, if you are anything like me!  Heck, it happens when I am deciding what to have for lunch: “I’m going to have a nice, healthy salad.” And then another part of me says, “But I’ve been working out. I deserve a treat.” And then, “You’re too busy for lunch, just forage in the pantry and get back to work!” With all this going in our heads, how on earth do we ever make the right choices?

Embrace Your Inner Teammates

We all have these various, conflicting aspects of ourselves, it’s very natural. Some would encourage you to quiet those clamoring voices, but I want to invite you to give them credence. Yes, these inner teammates are valid voices within you, and if you dig in and get to know them better, you can learn what special gifts each one has.

As a trained practitioner in The Inside Team process (developed by masterful coach trainer, Cynthia Loy Darst, MCC) I do this inner work with my clients. It can be a little tricky to do this on your own (one of your inner players could really throw you off the trail!). But a simple exercise to start getting to know your inner team – and begin to better manage the conversations you have in your head – is to simply identify a few of your players and write a short bio for each one.

Here’s what I mean – let me introduce you to some of my inner team! Now, I’ve done deep work on this with my coach(es), and I’ve looked at the healthy side and the shadow side of each player. When I call on the healthy side of the appropriate player for a given situation, things work quite gracefully for me. When I forget, and allow the shadow side of my players to blindside me… well, it’s not pretty.

So, to illustrate, here are just a few of my inner team players that show up in my role as a business owner.

Security Guard. Keeps watch over my decisions and actions, reminds me to vet new ideas and people I might engage with. Shadow side – Can become overly protective and keep me from taking even minor risks. Can strike fear in me when things get tough, morphs into more of a prison guard, locking me in.

Adventure Explorer. Leads the charge on new ideas, new engagements. Has the uncanny ability to solve problems with MacGyver-like ingenuity. Shadow side – Kind of shy. Needs encouragement to come out and play, needs space to roam. Becomes timid if the Security Guard is being overbearing.

Tech Geek. Unflappable when it comes to computers. Not afraid to click. Blends logic and intuition to flow with technology. Favorite book is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Could stay up all night tinkering with a tech issue. Shadow side – Could stay up all night tinkering with a tech issue, when it would be wiser to hire an expert to fix the problem so that I could get enough sleep and save time for my paying work.

Creative Genius. Can see multitudes of solutions for every challenging scenario. Deeply believes in the inner wellspring’s endless supply of fresh ideas. Shadow side – Oops, let’s make that “mostly” believes in the inner wellspring – on a couple of trigger topics, that belief is fleeting, at best.

Artist. Adores artistry and beautiful visuals. Fondly recalls being in an art flow as a child and can call up that feeling easily. Shadow side – Scared to dabble boldly, wants to avoid the wrath of (self) judgment.

Camp Counselor. Fun, lighthearted, Pied Piper leadership style. Keeps everyone safe but encourages goofy play. Shadow side – Forgets to show up. Forgets that she’s adored. Forgets that she matters.

Okay, get the idea?

When you get a few of your own inner players clarified, start noticing when they speak up – do they suddenly emerge around certain situations or people? The coolest part is that instead of unwittingly giving them the wheel, you get to intentionally decide who’s in charge and which of these players will do the best job in the moment. You’ll have much more productive inner conversations with yourself and approach situations more solidly. And frankly, you’ll find it easier to be nice to yourself.

Let me know if you want to do some Inside Team work with me! If you are a current client, we’ll work it into an upcoming session. If you haven’t worked with me and want to try it out, let’s have a 30-minute coaching conversation (free) with me and I’ll be sure to give you a little sampler. Here’s my scheduling link: http://tungle.me/MarthaCarnahan. I look forward to working with you AND your Inside Team!

Many managers I talk with feel they are pretty good leaders. That is, until they receive the results of a staff and peer review. Some are shocked that their scores are so low. Others just can’t take in the data – they actually reject the feedback.

If you do not possess the skill of empathy – of being able to imagine what it’s like to be in another person’s shoes – it makes sense that you would not take their feedback seriously either. Which puts you in quite a conundrum: Until you can begin to accept and believe the feedback, you won’t likely change your leadership style… which means continued turnover, strife among your staff, uncomfortable reviews, less-than-ideal results, burnout, heartburn & indigestion.

Regard is a Two-Way Street

The first step in becoming a better leader is to really really really listen to what people are saying about you. “Regard” is a key component of leadership. As in, how do your people regard you? What do you imagine they are saying about you around the dinner table with their families? What would you like them to say?

And shifting the regard of your staff begins with YOU shifting your regard toward them. Beginning with listening.

Rick Telberg, who writes CPA Trendlines, published a terrific blog post on this a few months ago. He referenced a Regent University leadership study that identified three categories of leader:

1. Transformational, which focuses on rallying followers around a shared vision and motivating them to elevate the organization’s interests above their own,
2. Transactional, which rewards or disciplines followers based on their performance, and
3. Servant, which is based on a desire to serve and encourages “collaboration, trust, foresight, listening, and the ethical use of power.”

Rick’s post highlights key findings in the study:

• Most leaders see themselves as either transformational or servant leaders.
• Most employees see their supervisors as transactional leaders.
• Most employees say they respond best to transformational leadership style.

The dots are not connecting! Take a good look at your own leadership style and give yourself an honest assessment. If I were to shadow you for a week, which category would I see you operating from?

Be honest. It’s your only chance. Stretch your mind and heart into seeing yourself how your staff sees you.

Please be sure to read Rick Telberg’s blog post, “What Kind of Leader Do You Think You Are? “

Do certain things about your workplace rub you the wrong way? Do you go home at night and tell your family and friends that, if you were in charge, you would do things differently?

It could be a case of mis-aligned values. If your personal values and your company’s values are at odds, it may be difficult to feel at home there.

First, what do we mean by “values?” In a nutshell, your core values are those qualities that you hold most dear in life. They are an inner framework for how you make choices, your deepest motivators. What makes you tick, if you will. Your values are inner – not external –  guides. So, if you say you value money… that may be true, but let’s take it to an internal realm. What does money give you? What is it about money that you value? Suppose you say that money gives you security. Then it’s more true that security is the real value. If security is truly important to you, it wouldn’t matter if you get it via money or some other means.

Other examples of values might be: Accomplishment, adventure, trust, order, fun, spiritual connection, freedom, integrity, intellect… the possibilities are endless. When I work with clients on uncovering their core values, it’s like going on a treasure hunt, digging deeper with each newly discovered gem!

When your values are being honored, you will feel a life-affirming “click.” Likewise, when your values are trampled on, you can feel the life drain right out of you. An easy way to discover and clarify your values is to notice situations that bring you alive – what values are being honored? And notice also when you feel discouraged, angry, agitated. It’s highly likely that one of your core values is not being honored.

Your employer has a set of core values, too. And I don’t mean that mission statement so eloquently framed on the wall. I’m talking about values in action – you can sense them in how management behaves in real situations. Perhaps the mission statement says “We are customer focused,” which you might interpret as valuing customers and serving them well. But in reality, you sit in on a weekly meeting strategizing how to get more business out of the highest revenue-generating customers and how to spend fewer resources on the “under-performing” customers. In truth – in action – your company values profits, not customers. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this! It’s how they pay you. It’s how they grow and add more employees and serve more customers. But if you feel squeamish about being asked to provide less service to certain customers, perhaps you have a core value of equality or respect that is not being honored in this situation. You may be experiencing the twinge of a mismatched value system.

Assuming that you basically like the company, like your work, and like the people, you can absolutely make a few tweaks that can increase the harmony you feel about your workplace. But if your values and your company’s values are severely out of alignment, it may be time for another job. It’s never a black and white thing, though. No one is ever 100% aligned with another’s values – the key is to assess the degree of difference and become keenly aware of your top values and whether they are honored in your current work situation. 

Examples of Mis-matched Values:

• You have a value of integrity, but the company asks you to fudge the facts on reports.
• You have a value of camaraderie, but your work space is isolated and you have little contact with others.
• You have a value of creativity, but your job entails repetitive tasks with no variation.

The important thing to know is that your workplace is not responsible for honoring your values. Put another way: Your company is not to blame when your values are not honored. They may be jerks, they may ask you to lie, they may treat you terribly. But YOU are ultimately responsible for getting your needs met and your values honored. When you relinquish this responsibility to others (boss, co-workers, spouse, family, friends, the bank, the government…), you can expect to be miserable. The sooner you reckon with this responsibility, the better. Unless you are literally being bound and shackled and enslaved, you have a choice every single day to go to work or not. To resign or not. If you are letting a need for money enslave you in a miserable workplace, it’s time to re-evaluate your life’s priorities. You may need a different job. Or, in most cases, you can simply make changes in how you get your values honored. 

Gimme Three Steps

1. Study Your Own Values. What makes you tick? What qualities make life worth living? What qualities are missing when you are miserable?
2. Study Your Company’s Values. Not the poetically stated ones, but the true values that emerge through daily practice. This is not an exercise in being judgmental. Your company has a right to create a certain culture and operate under the values that work for them. It’s up to you to recognize the differences and determine what you can live with and what needs to change.
3. Study the Overlap. This is a very personal – how much overlap do you need in order to find harmony at work? Are your most important core values in alignment with the company? If not, are you able to make peace with the difference? Or can you get those values honored outside of work?

Example:  I have a client who has a very strong creativity value. He loves to solve problems and create something new out of nothing. But his job has him pushing papers and following a pre-set order. Very little creativity there. And a very draining existence for my client. The job pays well, has flexible hours and he enjoys most of his co-workers. He is choosing to keep this job while he works toward his dream career. Knowing he is staying by choice, he then takes responsibility for finding ways to honor his values, especially creativity. At work, he finds small sparks of creativity – decorating his cubicle with flair, initiating social outings with co-workers, and this Halloween, he got permission to hold a pumpkin-carving contest in the break room. At home, he makes a point to work on his music. These creative outlets give him just enough “juice” to feel content with his current job – a stable and uplifting backdrop as he works toward a new career.

That is a key point! He is not delaying happiness until his dream job begins. He is finding happiness right now, as he moves toward his dream. And because he is the one taking responsibility for his happiness by making sure his core values are honored, he feels more alive, more motivated than ever to keep marching toward the dream job.

Remember (sorry to sound preachy): YOU are responsible for getting your values honored. Use the comments to share how you are honoring your values – we can learn from each other!

Each person in your organization, at some level, truly wants to do a great job and be recognized for their contribution. And motivating them can be as simple as a four-word phrase, according to Tom Peters, business management guru and author of the classic book, In Search of Excellence.

Take a look at what Mr. Peters has to say in this 2-minute video (spoiler alert – I’ll be giving it away below the video):

How simple is that? Just four words that reach into the hearts and minds of your employees: “What do you think?” As Mr. Peters says, these words show others how valuable and important they are to you.

However – a word of caution. If you use this phrase the wrong way, it can backfire. The “wrong” way includes: being insincere, indecisive or patronizing.

Okay, I am about to “out” myself as an occasional watcher of “The Apprentice.” On the season opener a few days ago, the project manager for the episode, Nicole, used this “What do you think?” technique to motivate her team. But it backfired because she used it ineffectively.

She didn’t truly care about their wisdom. She was more interested in trying to protect herself from owning full responsibility. She made several decisions based on her teammates’ opinions – even when she clearly didn’t agree. Her game strategy was to shift at least some responsibility to others in case her team lost.

Nicole’s “What do you think?” approach was never grounded in a clear vision. She gave away her power by letting her team’s varying (and loud!) opinions run amuck. Inviting collaboration is a great skill for a leader – but too much consensus-building can water down the end result. Instead of seeing her as inclusive and collaborative, her team saw her as weak and indecisive. Her team lost and she was fired.  It was not pretty.

Of course, The Apprentice is a contrived scenario. In a true business environment, Nicole would have had more support, more leverage, more control of the situation. But I thought the episode demonstrated a classic flaw in leadership:  Misusing consensus building.

The four words, “What do you think?” are powerful. They convey a high regard for others – but only if you also feel that same level of regard. Don’t be phony with these four words. When used well, and from your heart, this phrase is a great way to genuinely seek out your brilliant team members’ wisdom. It’s a tricky balance, but a key to creating an inspired team.

You may not actually punch a time clock, but there is a moment – a little click – that marks the transition from your non-work life to your work life. Maybe for you it’s when the alarm clock goes off in the morning. Click. Or when you hear the traffic report. Click. Or when you pull into the parking garage at the office. Click. Or maybe not until your butt hits the chair behind your desk. Click.

Whenever that transitional click occurs for you, it clicks you into a different energy: “Okay, time to work.” Before the click – you were all YOU, baby. But now, after the click, you belong to “the man.”

Sexist as that sounds, there is a way that employment can feel like we are giving up parts of ourselves in exchange for the salary and benefits we agreed to in a long-ago offer letter.

Intellectually, we know better. We know that we are free to choose. That we are free to love what we do for work. And we are free to quit. But there is a quiet sensation that is barely palpable… the one that says, “Don’t let them really really see you at work. The real you is not corporate enough.” This goes way deeper than dress code and corporate etiquette. It goes to the very essence of who you are – whether you are at work or not. And when that essence is not allowed (by you) to come to work with you, it shrivels, just a tiny bit, but then one day you discover it’s barely there.

The Story of Yoga Sam

About 6 years ago I coached Sam, a young man who worked for a Fortune 50 company. He was pegged as a talented, emerging leader with a bright future in the organization. During our coaching, he revealed that he had a passion for yoga, and had even been invited to teach a class at the yoga studio he frequented. He really wanted to teach the class, but turned it down, worrying that someone in his company might find out and frown upon this “woo-woo” non-corporate side of him. His was a sliced up existence: Corporate Guy by day, and Yoga Guy on nights and weekends.

Yoga has become more mainstream in the past few years and more workplaces have shaken their rigid, “blue suit” cultures. But many of my clients who are working in corporate environments discover they have some piece of themselves that they keep under wraps at work. These are not closet axe murderers – no, these are closet meditation practitioners or philosophers or dream interpreters or artists.

Barbara McAfee (who I’ll tell you about in a moment) uses the phrase, “Bring your toys to work.” The “toys” she speaks of are those things you love, love, love about life. That thing that brings your eyes to sparkle, your heart to fullness, and your spirit to radiate. Barbara’s toy is music. And she figured out how to bring it along into her work as an organizational development consultant. She performs for corporate audiences and actually gets them to sing along. In rounds, no less!  (Please learn more about Barbara here: www.barbaramcafee.com.)

These secret practices are more than just some hobby. They are a form of expression – allowing you to be more connected to your Self and the spirit that drives you to live fully. Unfortunately, some corporate environments – heck, some family environments – are embarrassed by such things.

But back to Yoga Sam. He took the risk of being more “out” about his yoga practice and eventually was asked to teach a beginning yoga class to some co-workers at lunch. He reluctantly agreed. They saw a new side of him as a yoga teacher. He was surprised by their interest in this part of him. He began to relax and be more himself in business meetings. The other employees developed a deeper regard for him as a person.

He continued to wear his “blue suits” and perform as an executive. He got a promotion, and was soon promoted again. He was told he had an unusually good reputation as a leader of people and that he was valued highly by the company. When he quit leaving his “yoga self” at the door, he not only was accepted at work, but he continued down his success path there and – most importantly – he began to truly enjoy his time at his corporate job.

To be clear – this isn’t only about literally bringing your hobby to work with you. Barbara did that and certainly Sam did some of that by teaching the yoga class at lunch. But what truly brought Sam success was that he was open about this thing he loved, and he allowed his “yoga nature” – his spiritual presence, his ability to slow down and be in the moment – to leak out through his blue suit. It’s more about embracing and sharing your true essence. Others at work may not even particularly notice, or they may say, “Hmmmm, something is different about you. Did you get a haircut?”

So which part(s) of your Self do you check at the door when you click into your work place?  And how might you begin bringing that life-giving, you-expressing toy to work with you?

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”  ~Thomas A. Edison

I know you’ve heard this many times, but it bears repeating: Failure = Opportunity to Learn.

A device I use to remember this comes from a story I heard many years ago during a coach training class. We had just been taught a new skill and were about to practice with a classmate, which can be quite a nerve-wracking experience. The instructor told us a story from a training she had previously attended. The story has been so powerful and useful for me, I’m passing it along to you:

She was in a class, learning a new skill. And her instructor asked the students to do the following: Whenever anyone made an error or failed in applying the new skill, they were to leap enthusiastically up out of their chair, throw both arms up in the air and yell with gleeful gusto, “FANTASTIC!”  This was an all-day course, with lots of skill practice going on – so each student got many opportunities to yell, “FANTASTIC!”

The effects of this crazy learning technique are profound:

• The silliness and exuberance that rippled around the classroom lightened the mood and calmed the nerves that often come with clumsy first attempts at practicing any new skill (especially in front of others!).
• Hearing cries of,  “FANTASTIC!” percolate through the course all day long was a reassuring and community-building reminder that everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect.
• Leaping up to yell, “FANTASTIC!” shifted the energy so radically from guarded hesitation to uninhibited, freewheeling experimentation – the students learned a great deal more because the atmosphere actually made it fun and acceptable to fail!

Naturally, I’d love to see you try this technique to help you convert your own failures into learning.

But the bigger question I’m asking you as a leader is: How can you infuse this mindset of “FANTASTIC!” into your leadership style? How can you create an atmosphere among your team that mistakes and failure are not reasons to lambast, but opportunities to invite creative new solutions? If your people are afraid to fail for fear that they will get “marked down” in some way, they will instinctively tighten up and back away from the experimentation that leads to innovation.

You might find ways to repeat this “FANTASTIC!” exercise with your team. But even without this specific activity, you would serve yourself and your team well by stepping back to reflect on how your personal style either invites or stifles the creativity that is often born of failure.

What if Thomas Edison were on your team? Would the atmosphere you’ve created invite him to continue trying to invent the light bulb, one failure at a time? Or would you just be in the dark?

Often, new clients come to coaching because they feel trapped in their jobs. Trapped by money, loyalty guilt and quite often, fear of the unknowns of a new job. They hate Monday mornings, resent management decisions and often feel quite stressed out.

There is actually a cure for this misery!

And you don’t even have to quit your job to experience this cure. Certainly, that is one option, but unless you take a spoonful of the cure I’m about to offer, you are likely to transfer your “trapped woe” right over to the next job. So, whether you stay or go, I highly recommend this amazing cure.

Here it is… are you ready? The cure is… adopt the mindset of someone who is self employed.

Now, I can already hear your protests: “But I’m not self-employed, I work for the man!” Or, “I have no idea how to just up and change my mindset.”

I’m not saying it’s easy-peasy, but it is absolutely possible. I did this back when I worked in the corporate world, before I became literally self-employed. The circumstances of my job did not change, but my reaction to it and my enjoyment of work and life shifted monumentally. Once I freed myself – mentally – from what had previously felt like a trapped situation, voila, I was no longer trapped!

A client made this shift about a year ago. He was unhappy at work, but the logistics kept him from quitting outright. He took a stab at viewing his job differently. And it worked. He began viewing this job as a stepping stone to the next job. From this new mental perspective, he wasn’t trapped in this job, he was just on a bridge to the next career move (still undefined). He essentially relaxed his grip on the job, held it a little more loosely. The cool part was that over time, his new mindset resulted in less stress and a more positive attitude toward his company, colleagues and the work itself. And guess what? That new attitude showed up in his demeanor, ability to work with his team, and even his creativity. He is still working there today, is well respected and even escaped two rounds of layoffs. He is still keeping his eye out for the next move – but in the meantime, he is enjoying his work (which spills into other areas of his life) and the company is getting a better worker with the deal. What’s not to like?

Try it right now – try on the idea that you are self-employed and your big client happens to be the company you now work for. As a “free agent,” you are choosing to continue working with this particular client (your company), you are not dependent on them – rather, you are agreeing to a collaborative relationship with them: You provide an agreed-upon level of skill, productivity and creative energy in exchange for your “consulting” fee (a.k.a. your salary). You want to preserve your good reputation in the marketplace, so you do your best possible job and provide great customer service.

Remember, you do this silently, within your own mind – don’t go telling your boss what you are up to! But if you can make this mindset shift, and really be consistent with it, your working experience will improve. (Note: If you work in a truly abusive situation, that is another story.)

Here are some differences in the employee vs. the self-employed mindsets:

“I’m an employee of this company.”

• I’m loyal to the company and expect the company to be loyal to me – we are like family.
• My fate is in the hands of my company’s management. Closed door meetings scare me!
• I’ve earned a certain amount of seniority, so I am more secure here. Or, the opposite: because I am a senior staff member, paid a higher salary than others, I’m at risk for being laid off.
• I’m a dedicated “company man/woman,” my self-identity is linked to this company.
• I used to share my good ideas, but I grew tired of getting shot down. Creativity means more work, dealing with politics and bureaucracy.
• I am financially dependent on this job. If I lose it, I’m sunk.

“I am self-employed and have one big client (the current employer).”

• I care about and am very committed to my client – the company, the people, the mission. But I am not attached.
• I do great work and serve this client at my highest level of ability, until I move onto the next gig.
• My own professional and personal reputation is my most important asset. I do everything I can to preserve my good standing – including working well with my team, communicating clearly and directly, treating my client (company) with great respect, even if I don’t agree with the way they handle things.
• I’m always looking out for the next client (new job), and may even have a side gig (for example, a hobby you convert into revenue activity)
• My marketing materials (resumé, LinkedIn profile, etc.) are strong and I keep a close eye on the marketplace (job market), following hot prospects and keeping my options open for a potential new client (new job).
• I take creative risks because I am more passionate about my work than I am about the company.
  Even if I disagree with management’s approach, I feel proud of my accomplishments and know that I’m truly doing my best work.
• I eagerly seek out any training or coaching that will help me, as an individual, improve. I don’t expect my client (company) to pay for this, but if they do, I appreciate the gift.
• I expect the client (company) to uphold their end of the contract we have – to provide me an agreed-upon salary and benefits in exchange for the agreed-upon amount of labor. I do not expect more than that, but am appreciative of extras.

Trying on a new perspective is like inserting a new lens in your glasses – you are looking at the same images, but they appear slightly different through different filters. Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

Sorry to break this to you, but your co-workers are talking about you after work with their family members and friends. It’s just one of those facts of life.

You know how that conversation goes:

“How was your day today, honey?” asks your co-worker’s spouse.

To which your co-worker replies, “Oh man, I work with this one person who is such a…”

Such a what? What is your co-worker saying about you? That you are such a talented genius? That you are such a person of integrity? Such an enjoyable person to work with?

Or perhaps the conversation is taking a different turn… Such an idiot? Such a terrible decision maker? Such a self-serving jerk?

You know this conversation well because, well – let’s face it – you are having the same dinner table conversation at home with your family, about your co-workers.

This social ritual is as old as the hills – it cannot be stopped. And if you are reading this and starting to wonder what your co-workers, boss, staff, clients and vendors might really be saying about you, take heart: You can actually change other peoples’ dinner conversations!

Table Talk You can be Proud Of

The way you treat your co-workers ripples way out to their dinner table conversations and ricochets right back into your reputation and ability to lead effectively.

Sure, the obvious people skills of generosity, kindness, and respect will help. But the one mega change you can make is simply this: Rid your communications of any and all blame and criticism.

I know, I know, you aren’t the whining, blaming sort. You always own up and take the high road. But is that 100% true? I challenge you to look in the mirror, to study your words and attitudes for the next week, to listen to yourself talk, to assess your responses to others… a little truth-telling self examination can go a long way.

If you pass the examination and find yourself to be a non-blamer… congratulations, you may be the first person on the planet to achieve such a state!

We all blame, we all criticize. We blame politicians, football coaches, slow-pokey drivers, parents, kids, pets, UPS, the weather… it’s actually become a national pastime. Just sit in any coffee shop and eavesdrop on the nearest cell phone conversation. “I told him that would happen. He never listens to me.” Or, “Yah, that’s our government at work for you…”  (All spoken in huffy, sarcastic tones.)

Guess what? If you are a blamer, you are absolutely eroding the trust people have in you. If you are quick to blame and criticize others, how do I know you aren’t speaking the same way about me when I’m not around? If I have to wonder what you might say about me… my trust in you is diminished. Our teamwork is compromised.

If you showed yourself to be someone who goes straight to the person you are having an issue with, to have a civil, direct conversation to iron things out… whoa, that is the mega trust builder of them all. That takes guts and enormous courage. I know where I stand with you and that you won’t be talking about me behind my back. I want you on my team!

When people fully trust you – they speak highly of you around the dinner table. And they are eager to work cooperatively with you to get the job done.

I always bristled at the saying from the 90s, “Work smarter, not harder.” It felt judgmental to me – so you are telling me that I am wrong for working hard? And, in the same breath, you imply that I must get the job done, or else?

Let’s add up this mixed message: If I A) fail to get the job done and B) work hard instead of smart… then I must be dumb, right? Gee, not very inspiring.

In a culture that lauds hard work as a badge of honor, this “smarter, not harder” sound bite feels misplaced and disrespectful of generations of hard-working people who have understood that true freedom meant creating one’s own success – not waiting to have it handed to them. Thus, the whole “bootstrap” approach that has inspired innovation, progress and independence on so many levels.

Now, clearly, this honorable work ethic has been taken to an extreme in plenty of cases. Burnout, stress, fatigue, misery – folks working their fingers to the bone, sacrificing physical and mental well being, family closeness, and simply, the joy of life…  all work, no play make Jack & Jill not just dull, but sick and lifeless. And not even the best producers!

If we are to shift our work culture, we need to take a good look at our attitudes toward hard work. First – who gets to decide to what degree work is “hard?” And which category resonates for you: is hard work an awful trap or a badge of honor?

Okay, that was a trick question. Because, for me, it is neither the trap or the badge. Let me introduce a different concept about work.

The fact is, “work” is neither hard nor easy. It’s a neutral thing. It is simply that, for certain results and in certain conditions, we need to exert more energy than at other times. What takes great effort for one person may be a cakewalk to another. A job may be harder or easier based on your education, experience, personality traits, available resources, physical ability, management support, family support, energy levels, attitude and any number of factors.

For me, the more important place to look is: what is your heart saying about the particular work you are up to? Is your heart: Engaged? Delighted? Uplifted? Enthused?

What I’ve noticed is that when we are lead by our hearts (passion, fun, delight, values-centered, relationship-oriented), hard work is a joy, it’s radically fulfilling. Haven’t you experienced this phenomenon at least a few times in your life?

When I was a teenager, a friend and I agreed to do some yard work for an older woman from our church. We went every day after school for a week and even spent one full day – pruning and weeding and cutting through the thickest overgrowth you ever saw. But it was a joyful kind of hard work – we were having a blast! We were working together, we were out in the sun, we were beautifying this unruly yard and we were deeply appreciated by the woman who hired us.

And there are plenty of times when I am working on my business and truly in a heart-led space and having a terrific time! Who cares if I’m  working late into the night, just grinding away until I have to force myself to stop? This, indeed, is truly joyful work. Sure, I’m exerting a lot of energy and effort, I may be grappling with a difficult challenge or I may be lost in creativity – and it is fun, fun, fun!

(In these times, I do have to be mindful of getting carried away and neglecting my other needs – rest, good nutrition, exercise, social interaction, spiritual connection, time in nature. I’ll cover that in another post!)

But where the trouble comes in is when I am working hard with no heart involvement. Gross, yuck, ball and chain… I’m doing something that bores me or simply doesn’t engage my passion and creativity. Or keeps me isolated. Without my heart’s involvement, I may get the work done, but I find myself resenting everything from the work itself, to the client, to my chair, to the neighbor kids playing outside, to the beautiful blue sky… I cannot keep that kind of work up for long.

So I prefer to reframe that old “work smarter, not harder” mantra to a new, inspired, heart-centered, and much more sustainable and life-giving one: 

Work Hearter, Not Smarter.

Care to join me in this revolution?

“You’re grounded!”

These words have been uttered by many a parent as punishment for mischief-making teenagers. “Grounding,” in this sense, means you are taking the kid out of the action and putting her on the sidelines for a bit.

One mom I know said that grounding doesn’t work as a deterrent for her son because he likes it. No phone, no TV, no friends for a period of time – and, whew, the kid is actually relieved. My guess is that he instinctively knows that a break would be good for him, but it’s not something he would impose upon himself. (Sidebar: Studies show that teens access to their frontal lobes is not quite fully developed enough for them to make insightful, rational decisions as adults do. See NPR story, “The Teen Brain: It’s Just Not Grown Up Yet”)

But we are adults, right? Our frontal lobes are functioning quite well, thank you. So why do we sometimes harbor a secret desire for “someone” to send us to our room? To withhold phone, tv and friends? To put us on the sidelines for a day or so? I read a blog recently where the writer fantasized about the internet being switched off for a year!

Stopping is a spiritual art. It is the refuge where we drink life in. ~ Sue Monk Kidd

Here’s the trick: It’s up to us! We’ve got to call upon our inner wise parent, who can gently ground us – our adult selves. Not as punishment, but as a way to get centered, to regroup, to find our bearings again. (Which is really what parents are ultimately hoping to accomplish with their teenagers, isn’t it?)

As adults, we get into our own kinds of trouble – we over commit, which makes us frazzled and frayed. We allow guilt and shoulds to crowd out what our gut knows is right for us. We put our own health and wellbeing, and our dearest relationships on the back burner as we fight the fires of urgency. And then we wonder why we are feeling so disconnected, resentful and crabby. And not getting the real, important things done.

The truth is – we know what is exactly right for each of us. But external forces act as gnats that keep us distracted and irritated.

Academics and philosophers take sabbaticals. Paid time off to regroup and get grounded. If they are to connect with the deep thoughts that are the fruit of their work, they must get this nurturing time away from the daily fray.

Perhaps your company is not going to pay you for deep-thinking time off. But there are techniques you can use to get grounded and centered, so that you can find your true bearings again. The good news is that you don’t need a year off, or a month or even a week! Centering yourself can take as little as a few minutes.

Here are three of my favorite ways to get grounded when the gnats of life are buzzing at me. All of them are proactive – in other words, I use them routinely to stay grounded, not reactively when a crisis arrives. Once lightning strikes, it’s too late to run out and hook up your home’s grounding rod – it must be in place already!

1. Daily Practices

A martial arts sensei, as quoted in Susan Scott’s new book, Fierce Leadership, said, “We are always practicing something. The question is – what are we practicing?” A practice is not a to-do list. It’s a state of mind, a guiding compass. There may be a physical action associated with it, but the point is much bigger than the obvious action. You may straighten your desk at the end of each day. Is it to look good? Or because a nagging “should” tells you to? Or is it to clear your mind? Or to punctuate your day? Or to prepare for the next day? Knowing the underlying intention behind each of your daily practices will help you know whether it’s a “to-do” item or a grounding practice. Study your current daily practices – which ones are centering? What new grounding practices can you add into your daily routine?

2. Tuning Out & Tuning In

I often invite my clients to try some form of reflective silence in their daily practice. For those who are used to being super busy, the idea of sitting quietly, “doing nothing,” literally freaks them out! Silent time, whether it’s a formal meditation ritual or simply sitting and being silent for a few minutes – it fills up your well with live-giving energy. How long do you think you could sit in silence? Double that number and commit to taking that creative silent time every day for the next week. Notice the impact in your work and life.

3. Body scan

Ever notice that when you are focused on your body – how it feels, not your opinion of it – you are instantly in the present moment. When we are fretting about the future or lamenting the past, we are in our heads. Nothing wrong with being in your head! We rely on our thinking and logic for many great purposes! But it’s difficult to get centered when our churning brains are on center stage. A great technique for getting grounded is to take a few minutes to put your full awareness on your physical sensations. Do a mental body scan – begin with your toes and feet, move up to your calves, knees and on up your body until you reach the top of your scalp. Take your time, asking yourself for each body part: What are my toes feeling? What sensations is my left knee feeling? All questions are in the present tense and about your physical feelings. If you find yourself judging body parts – you have slipped into your head again. Put those judgments aside and place your awareness on the physical sensation of that body part and keep going. Puts you right into the moment.

There are so many techniques to get centered. I could write an entire blog post about each of these and more. (And I’m sure I will!) What are your favorites?